You don't know Dakota - Part One

Today I am going to share a story about myself that I don't think I've told you before. It's nothing earth shattering, but it still makes me chuckle when I think about it.

A long time ago a friend decided he was going to teach me how to drive a stick shift. We headed out to the country in his car so that I could take my time and not impede traffic. Me being a city kid, was quite distracted at first with all of the farms and their animals. At sixteen I had never seen a pig in real life and was thrilled to see my very first live one standing at the edge of a fence.

But we weren't there for sight seeing, we were there so I could learn to drive fast cars.

We started slowly. Just learning the clutch and driving slowly down the dirt roads. When I was ready for some more speed I shifted gears and we started going faster.

I'd like to pause now and explain that a lot of farms in Jackson County have peacocks. I'm not really sure why, but they just run around out there and they are everywhere.

So I'm driving, going about 45 mph when I see a group of peacocks in the road ahead. They are still pretty far up so I'm not really worried. There is plenty of time for the birds to scatter. Before long we are almost on top of the idiots and they still aren't moving. I slam on the breaks, forget the clutch, stall the car and skid sideways in the gravel. The birds still don't move.

Dougie is screaming at me but I can barely hear him over the sound of the blood pounding in my ears. Finally I steady myself and look over to see him FUMING mad.

"What the fuck were you waiting for?" he asked.
"I thought they'd fly off," I explained calmly.
"Peacocks don't fucking fly!"

Oh.

In my defense, how the fuck was I supposed to know that? Seriously? They're birds. They have feathers. Penguins I get, how could they fly? But I just assumed that peacocks would use their damn wings. But no, they are so fucking stupid that not only can they not fly but they can't even manage to run away when a Lumina is barreling toward them.

To Doug's credit he did not force me out from behind the steering wheel. He gave me the opportunity to redeem myself.

"Ok, just back up and straighten out the car."

Great. Lesson resumed. It went something like this:

Start the car.
Put it in reverse.
Hit the gas.
Stall.
Put it in park.

Start the car.
Put it in reverse.
Hit the clutch.
Let go too soon.
Hit the gas.
Stall.
Put in park.

Start the car.
Put it in reverse.
Hit the clutch.
Hit the gas.
Move three inches.
Get so excited I release the clutch.
Stall.
Put in park.

I glanced over at Doug to see his face so red I was surprised that smoke wasn't rolling from his ears. I can tell he is so done with this lesson.

He was very sweet though. Very politely he asked me to get the fuck out of the car and let him drive home.

I never did learn how to drive a stick. But I learned a lot about birds that day.

XoXoXo
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